coming to terms with my low self esteem
i am realizing lately that i have never known what it’s like to trust myself. many things feel obvious to me that i would never feel about anyone else; people are happier when i’m not around. my presence is inherently a disruption or an inconvenience. being my friend or my partner is to deal with the worst parts of me which take up most of who i am, and occasionally receive something in return.
i am so full of love for everyone else. i am always giving others the benefit of the doubt and i am always assuming their best intentions, especially when it comes to how they treat me. my view of myself is only a reflection of the people who treated me poorly. i think i like myself, but the more i work through my own shit the more i realize i don’t think i ever really have. people leave and they get sick of me and they hurt me over and over and i’ve trained myself to take it because i must deserve it.
my partner isn’t perfect but that doesn’t change anything about how much i love them. nothing they could ever do could change it. so why do i assume i have to earn love in order for it to be reciprocated?